Twenty Five

I realized a strange moving occurrence in my life as I have grown up and wanted to make some meaning of my movements. I have met people who have told me that they have lived at one place all their lives and I am completely baffled at persons like me. With traveling overseas for education, I can understand the nomadic way of life, but having my zip code changed almost every year calls for an introspection.

I was born and raised in New Delhi at 110028 (now I don't want to count my hospital zip code :). After six-seven years, my father acquired some housing loan to construct a house on a shared plot he bought with his friend. That brought me to 110012. I spent rest of my kid/teenage life here until I was almost 18 that we all decided to sell our house and move eastwards to expanding suburbs in Noida.
This was a strange time as I entered college in central India, so it was a dual displacement for me.

While I moved to Bhopal, my family was working on the move to Noida. So in a way that brought me to 201301 in Noida and 462010 in Bhopal. In my 4 years at the undergrad college, I moved to another zip code in terms of residence and college premises. We as roommates moved to 462001 and finally to 462023 and my college moved to 462022 as the management constructed a sprawling campus for the nascent institution.

Graduation brought me back to New Delhi and I spent four years in between my residence at 201301 and my office at 110020.

With dreams of higher education, I traveled to the United States to Los Angeles at zip code 90007. I spent two years in college at 90089. With a short stint of internship in Santa Monica, I spent few months at 90064 and finally headed to the midwest. In my two years near Chicago, I stayed at 60201, 60085 and worked at 60093. With the onset of 2009, I moved southwest to Texas country and stayed for an year at 78758 and 78750 while working at 78729. I had hardly finished an year in Texas that November moved me back to the midwest at Wisconsin on the shores of the Mighty Mississippi.
I spent an year at La Crosse living at 54603, 55947 and working at 54601.

2011 brought travels with it yet again and I moved to 37919 in Tennessee while working at 37831. Two years went by shuffling between these two zip codes when work made me move again to Texas country. I stayed at 77429 while working at 77070. This was a short stint and work brought me back to south east at Greater Atlanta. Currently I live at 30009 and work at 30022.


That brings my movement between twenty five zip codes! There could be many more people who have had a migratory life due to education/work but I was just curious to dig into this aspect of life.

Song: Chola Maati Ke Ram

Movie: Peepli Live


This is a surreal song with lot of philosophical undertones about life, pursuits and meaning of existence. Found this meaning of the lyrics on the internet and posting to share its beauty and depth.



Chola Maati Ke Ram

Ekar Ka Barosa, Chola Maati Ke Re


Meaning: Chola, body is like a chola (gown) made of matti (panchtatva / earth )...


Ke raam is used like the writer Ganga Ram Sanket)is talking to himself in third person.


Drona Jaise Guru Chale gaye, Kaaran Jaise Dani Sangai …. Kaaran Jaise Daani....

Bali Jaise Beer Chale gaye , Raavan jas Abhimani


Chola Maati Ke Ram

Ekar Ka Barosa, Chola Maati Ke Re


Meaning :gurus like dronacharya,dani(sacrificer, donor) like karan , veer(brave, heroic)like bali and Abhimani egoistic) like Ravan, all have gone died) thus understand that the body is made of earth every one eventually goes... all are mortal.


Kono Rahees Na, Kono Rahaebe Bahiya Hi Sab Ke Paarikh, ek Din Aayi Sab Pe Paari


Meaning : No one is rich no one can stay rich, Bhaiya (God) is every ones parikh (god gives every thing as per his judgement like a parikh or valuator does the valuation and give the value in return ), Every man gets his turn for this evaluation


Kaal Ko Nola Chode Naahin, Raja Rank Bikhari

Chola Maati Ke Ram

Ekar Ka Barosa, Chola Maati Ke Re


Meaning : Kaal (death)ka nola(will) .. Death does not spare any one may he be the king or popper ... Understand the body is made of juest earth/mud


Bhav se Paar Lagey parhe,The, Hari Ke Naam Sumarle

Sangi Hare Ke Naam Sumarle


Meaning : if u want to get out of this Bhav sagar (circle of life, take the name of God (Hari naam sumiran)


Aye Duniya Maaya Ke Re Pagla, Jeevan Mukti Kar Le

Chola Maati Ke Ram

Ekar Ka Barosa, Chola Maati Ke Re



Meaning : Don't be fool,this world is maya (fake, illusion ) get out of the circle of life (achieve Mukti)


Ekar Ka Barosa: have faith in this ... body is made of earth ...


The poet beautifully expressed how foolishly we get into the worldly traits and forget that we are mortal ... for being out of this illusion of worldly affairs so praise god and be out of it.

Firefox memory leak issues

I got this from a colleague which was somewhere on internet.
Its been a very common annoyance for all firefox users with huge memory hogging issues
with the application. The newer versions don't fix it. Hope it will be useful to anyone crawling the web.

How to fix Firefox 3 Memory Leak problem

Recently, I have very big problem with my Firefox browser. Few minutes after starting of Firefox application, my Firefox become too slow for surfing, all open applications freeze for two or three seconds after every my click. I noticed that Firefox.exe take up a big part of my computer memory. After reading several forums on the net, I find how to fix this “Firefox memory leak” problem.

Just follow these simple steps to get your Firefox memory usage under control. The solution was in ”about:config” Firefox hidden configuration options.

Get the main configuration screen by putting “about:config” in the browser’s address bar.
Right click on the page and choose New then Integer and create an integer called “browser.cache.memory.capacity”. Set it to a low number (I use 16384 – that means 15MB). This controls how many kilobytes of memory are used for the browser’s cache.
In the Filter of “about:config” page (top of the page) put “browser.cache.disk.capacity”. Set “browser.cache.disk.capacity” (right click – Modify) to between 5000 or 15000 (I use 15000). For example: if you have 128MB to 512M use 5000, if you have 512BM to 1GB of RAM use 15000. This controls how many kilobytes of memory are used for the browser’s cache.
Configure Firefox to swap memory to disk when minimized. In the Filter of “about:config” page (top of the page) put “config.trim_on_minimize”, Right click on the page and choose New then Boolean and create an boolean called “config.trim_on_minimize”. Set it to true. This mean – when you minimize the firefox window it will free up memory.
In the Filter of “about:config” page (top of the page) put “network.prefetch-next”. Set “network.prefetch-next” to false. Network link prefetch will download all pages with the rel=”prefetch” tag, with false you avoid that downloading.
In the Filter of “about:config” page (top of the page) put “browser.sessionhistory.max_total_viewers”. Set it to low number. I set it to 6. This controls how many pages of history are kept in the back/forward buttons.
Restart Firefox and that’s it! Now, your Firefox and your computer will be much faster and you are ready for faster surfing. Enjoy!

Reference: http://www.detector-pro.com/2008/04/how-to-fix-firefox-memory-leak-problem.html

Toyota Musings

There comes a bumpy ride for Toyota, the leader in North American automobiles per se Cost and Quality. They have been the target of the Government, the media and the consumers for some defect possibly with the floor mat causing acceleration issues with the gas pedal.
Now adding to it, the fault with electrical system for braking. Its brings down Goliath, with all its strength. Toyota is suffering heavily for sales, stocks and reputation.

On close observation, it smells of a collective outrage from media, government and the consumers for something foreign, non-American. Cant say for sure, but reading at comments, it looks like people are still biased with automobiles being American or foreign, despite of themselves experiencing excellent quality from any automobile irrespective of its legacy.

Toyota has stood by its quality standard, I own one and believe it does. I drive a 99 used corolla( 47k miles that time) and now after 40k from me, its still running smooth. I have driven long trips (500-1000 mile) and it never gave me headaches. I only spent on brakes and tires which I believe is normal. Besides that, the vehicle has been even in Snow, Heat.

When people can themselves experience the quality of a product, which speaks for the engineering research gone behind it, why do they speak of GM, just coz its American? Toyota itself claims 65% of its parts are from America. A vehicle should earn the praise if it can win the consumer confidence, not coz it gives one a patriotic sentiment. If GMC really wanted to be a symbol of patriots, it has to speed up on its quality. Honestly, it has exploited the monopolistic favoritism of the Government and results are in front of us.

If Americans want foreign cars to be American, they have to make the system cost effective to get it made locally, not outsource it to cut costs. When there is increasing need for jobs from the masses, its highly sensible for the Government to encourage low-cost manufacturing within the country to justify industrialists to come back.

Poem - Dream of Lord Hanuman

I sit and wonder, at the voice asunder,

Coming from my inner depths, enriched with its ancientness,

the wisdom beyond logic, the magnamity of magic,

the highest concern for humanity, like dripping with divinity,

to save the world from peril, it assures like a christmas carol,

it envelopes me for safety, yet guides me for constant charity,

the visions I perceive, the most cherished for man to receive,

the Lord in his giant form, the youthful white transform,

the beautiful face and pink lips, size filling the township,

adorned with gold ornaments, wearing a red silk garment,

the sun looks near his face, hand holding the mighty mace,

the radiant smile and mighty arms, the form reducing as He approaches my farm,

gentle in voice and pure in speech, I look at him with awe beseech,

The Lord smiles and asks for water, I stand dumb without an answer,

he shows his leg and shows an injury, I can't comprehend this mystery,

I go inside to get some food, he takes a bath in solitude,

I return to see Him riding a bicycle, a jeans and tshirt like a local,

I ask him to eat something, he replies your sisters made an offering,

He bids me goodbye, and I still stand struck with a big why,

Why he came and where he goes, I keep wondering in chaos,

Only when I finish the dream, I get to comprehend the theme,

it was the Lord's blessing, he endowed his vision without my asking,

that increases my faith and devotion, I cry and laugh for ablution,

the grace of the Sadguru, the fruit of my worship,

came to me with full force from the Lord's kingship,

I pray to all to be sincere, the Lord will surely adhere,

To his law of blessing, for the devotee's offering,

He surely is Superman, the Might Lord Hanuman.....

few thoughts

What I am today its a combination of my environment and society. Still, I find I am discovering about myself all the time how individual I am. The love which I feel is so strong in me as a divine gift which connects me so easily with people

is amazing. I cannot give any other logical/rational explanation, that love moves the world. How it restores faith,

gives motivation, and energy to do work. The thoughts also agree with it. And believe me, the whole nature moves with you and works with you if you can connect those strings/threads. They are all in love.

There is nothing more needed than to realise that love will give birth to all other emotions, factors, reasoning and thoughts. The respect, compassion, understanding, maturity, devotion, are all outgrowths of this love. That has been the symbol of all prophets, avatars. That they are nothing else, but pure love.

We go after books, laws, rules, and feel God sitting above is judging them and will punish them. But I feel, as lot of other thinkers and philosophers have emphasized, that God is pure love and compassion. The rules are mechanics of the nature. You be with the nature and all will be fine. You disturb it, and the effects are all reactions from the nature, be it some religious community, some authority or rule-book. When you suffer, its not the God who is punishing you, its an after-effect of your karma, your action. He will only move you out of your suffering. That is the importance of time. That time changes, from suffering to bliss and also from bliss to suffering. Time is also an element of God.

That is philosophy, how science mixes with spirituality. The roots are all the same, only cultures vary due to geography.

All rivers are different, but essence is water, and they all merge in the ocean.

Journeys are always enriching. I donot know why I go from here to there, what purpose lies for it, but in the long run, life unfolds what role it plays, which we call God's leela or enactment.

I have split personalities in me, I can very well see it. Many must have observed it. There is a child in me which is always active, no matter what I say it comes out in the actions, the immaturity and innocence of it, yet the love and playfulness is also contained in it. People respond to it, connect with it.

And yet a disturbed ego resides. It makes me feel in despair, that I walk from one failure to another. That looks for a proof of my capabilities, challenges me. Situations sometimes turn humiliating when things happen from me foolishly. Yet I feel, those are due to the ego which comes in between the child. The negativity also sprouts from it, which tells me "Reality Bites". I try to connect with real world, try to feel depressed, to feel I am lowly, and I have to do my duty. But it all goes in vain, I end up being the child I was, foolish, innocent, playful and carefree of what will happen.

I donot know how long this will continue. I will keep moving from one personality to another. When will I get a balance of being at calm with who I am , and what am I supposed to be.

Vyaaghrapaada maharshi

Shri Krishna Paramaatma’s Deekshaaguru was Upamanyu. His father was Vyaaghrapaada maharshi. Vyaaghrapaada maharshi was an akunthita Shiva deekshaapara and a Shiva bhakti paraayana. He was a shadkaala Shivapuuja-dhurandhara. Vyaaghrapaada Brahmarshi used to goto the aranyas and carefully collect Bilva-dalas, vividha-kusumas, with a lot of prema, for Shiva puuja.

Once Sadaashiva, the Bhaktavatsala, gave His durlabha darshanam to Vyaaghrapaada maharshi. Parama Shiva asked the Brahmarshi to ask for abhiishtam. Vyaaghrapaada maharshi replied “nirantara Shiva bhakti is enough for me”. He had nirmala, nishkaama, nishchala Bhakti on Parameshvara. However Parama Shiva insisted the Brahmarshi to ask for something.

With that Vyaaghrapaada maharshi replied “Karunaamaya! I get Divyaanandam doing Your puuja. Collecting vividha-kusumas, dalas for Your puuja, using them for Your archana — these things give immense aanandam to me. When I try to collect these Vana-dravyas, huge thorns and sharp stones prick and cause pain to me. So make my paadas as kathinam as a Vyaaghra’s”. (In Aadhyaatma tattvam, Vyaaghram represents Moksham) Parama Shiva, with a chiru-mandahaasam, replied “tathaastu”. Vishveshvara was happy with the avyaaja-prema of the Bhakta. Thus the Brahmarshi got the name Vyaaghrapaada.

The great Chidambara Kshetram is known as “Vyaaghrapuri” or “Puliyuur” because Vyaaghrapaada maharshi did Shiva-upaasana here and saw the Divya Shiva Taandavam here. He is the Mantra-drashta of many Mantras in Rug-vedam. The great Paandavas were from Vaiyaaghrapada-gotram, for which Vyaaghrapaada maharshi is the Pravataka.

For Loka-shrayas and to protect Sanaata-Dharmam, Vyaaghrapaada maharshi also wrote “Vyaaghrapaada-smruti”. One can learn about Yuga-dharmas, Aashrama-dharmas, Pinda pradaana – Pitru tarpana Mahaatmyam, Teertha-Kshetra praashastyam, Shraaddhaadi Vignyaanam, Abhisheka, Snaana vidhis etc., by reading this Mahaa-grantham:

1. On seeing a Deva-pratima, a Yati, a Sanyaasi, immediately one must do Namaskaaram. If one doesnt thenpraayashchittam is required.
2. When doing Namaskaaram one must do Yathaavidhi by folding both the hands. If one does with one hand, then he will loose all the Punyam which he earned in that janma.

Like this many simple, nevertheless important things are discussed in this Shaastram.

Little Brother

A good read

http://craphound.com/littlebrother/Cory_Doctorow_-_Little_Brother.htm

NCERT Books

For all those who studied under CBSE in their schools, here is a link to PDF versions of all NCERT textbooks from Class I to Class XII.

The official NCERT texts are at
http://www.ncert.nic.in/textbooks/testing/Index.htm

An alternate hosting for all PDF versions are at

http://ncertbooks.prashanthellina.com/

An interesting read.

Questions from God

what good is this life, a purposeless strife,
how to know my self, when its all yourself,
the doer and the deed, one and the same creed,
the mechanics of work, all lost in this cirque,
fighting for my individuality, its only your manifest divinity,
they say I grow and learn, how could it be a discern,
when the soul is all I am, the body is a sham
the start meets the end, the journey only to pretend,
that I grew old and wise, it was my eternal youth and devise

Coping with Job Loss and Depression

It keeps haunting me to know about my present state. I lost my job due to financial trouble of my employer and not just me, lot of others were laid off. Its a testing time for lot of people in the harsh economy. But being an outsider, things are more difficult for us to maintain our status and our finances. The reluctance of many employers to sponsor H1 and the cost-cutting in practice in present economy makes the teething problems even bigger.  Then there is the fear of losing out on time and running out of money. There is a psychological inhibition to stop looking at interest and passion and go with whatever comes in my plate. Everyone hopes of better days ahead with change of presidency and the new year, but no one can say how long it will take for the economy to rebound. The questions of returning back to the home country also puzzles, as there is uncertainty of job prospects back there and losing out on the opportunity to work and earn in US. There is a route to pursue desi consulting firms, but those are also narrow due to fewer projects.

Lot of students like me who come for Masters have the same complaint of a dearth of opportunities in academics and career field due to the security clearance restrictions. There is bitterness in Americans for losing their jobs to outsiders due to costs and the extra competition.

Where are the scientific and academic curiosities of the students? Is education also just like a business for universities to boost their economies. What do we eventually gain with higher education if we cannot pursue alternate career paths and get food for our academic hunger. 

Why "survival of the fittest" always reigns? 

First Picnic in the Woods

I wrote this essay in the Creative Writing class, of my memories of a trip when I was 9 years old.


We were all so excited whenever we made our annual trip to nanny's home. It always meant escaping from the hustle and bustleof city life, and enjoy the tranquility and warmth of rural suburbs. This time it was even more exciting. My uncles decidedto take all family on a picnic trip. They would hunt in groups for deers and rabbits and the kids and ladies would be indoors.The guesthouse was a hundred miles from our house, and we commuted in jeeps. All men carrier guns, a mark of pride for the warrior caste, and to protect us all from the dangers of the woods. The guesthouse was surrounded by the Shipavara river fromthree sides and had a small entrance through slipper rocks. We all carefully walked towards it but one of the aunts slipped and created an amusement among the kids.We all arranged beddings and clothes inside and rushed out for a bath in the river. Small fishes created giggles when they touched our legs. On returning, the ladies had ignited a fire on dried cow dung cakes and wood, preparing baked wheat balls and lentil soup. The gents had left early and returned with a few rabbits. We also paid a visit to a temple nearby and hurriedly returned to eat something. Soon dusk took over, and the villagers helped us with a burning pyre. The men were on guard, on the watch for wild animals and mysterious tribals, They were known to be cannibals.Wr could hear voices in groups approaching from the dark jungle, but no one dared to come near to us. The bags were packed early in the morning and after a refreshing bath, we started our ride back towards the home.

Spring Season

It has been a while, that I saw a smile,
on the creatures around me, weary due to winter's treachery,
buds anxious to blossom, kids eager to kill boredom,
the birds welcome for the spring, the Sun's noble radiant offering,
the chatter around the corners, the mothers' preaching their daughters,
the early morning games, the hurried reluctant tames,
leaves ready for flourishing, the trees giving us a blessing,
students ready for adventures, teachers wishing early departures,
the dogs anxious to mate, the lovers ready to celebrate,
the winds give a sweet chanting, the river forms a new offspring,
the fruits ripe with enigmatic fragrance, the forests opening their conscience,
the sky enjoys the beauty of earth, the earth amazed at the stars' mirth,
the night shrinks from the day's zeal, the day amplifies on the night's veil,
the streets blush with the sudden rush, the markets full with goods' plush,
the spirits high with the rise of day, the farmers making more of hay,
girls wish as they go for a swing, what if every season is a spring.

A poem I wrote for Creative Writing Class

I wait for her, since eternity,

to give me back my lost identity,

The time I have spent, alone in this world,

let loose like an insane bull, in this untrustworthy world.

The feeling of despair which haunts me, draining from me my blood and dignity

The truth which I seek outside, which I cannot keep up with inside,

The love which I give away freely, and yet cannot find for me easily

I question the need for you, and learn it hard that I am dead without you.

How long should I wait to start this life, half of it I have already lost in strife

To make some use of my mind and soul, I want you now to reach my goal.

The child in me who does not grow, and the man in me which I want to know,

I pray for your arrival, in my abject survival

To give a new breath in me, so I can feel at home within me,

To illuminate my lonely journey, I long for your cherished company,

My heart finally learns the solution, that only in you can I find ablution

my efforts which have gone in vain, now I want them to attain

the eternal purpose of life, I wish dearly for you my would be wife.

Hymn to the Lord

My father wrote some small couplets in Urdu/Hindi which I liked a lot and I submitted in my Creative Writing class. Here is that poem

Of what can we say about this game,
His are the eyes, and Himself is what He sees,
wonder what the game He plays,where the Player Himself plays.
Why run away from this life, it is but His manifestation,
preserve it safely O people, its' devotion is His devotion.
Because He dwells in it, and He is Himself it.
One more sin, never mind,
In the sins also, it is You I find.
You are the Doer, and the Compeller,
I do not exist, since upon myself there is no trust
How long shall we hide our sins, that hiding them are also sins,
We keep moving, sins keep happening.
Distances increase, neither us nor they cease
We dont see anything else
it is a treasure that we are in Your vision
The earnest prayer is to have Your vision.

Alternate Oil Solution and Peace

Imagine,

If US did not have to force to sell its soul and invade Iraq. Just for
Oil, and create further bitterness in the already hostile world. US the
international policeman, tainting its image with rape of Virtues, with

its false claim of overthrow of Saddam's regime. Just for the sake of
Oil to run their greedy economy.

There was a better ending if these so called Patriots could have spend
some more time on the restoration of Global Peace and solution for the

Oil problem.

Russia was sidestepped by the Cold War, just to curb spread of Communism
in the West. Russia has vast oil reserves, but it could not sustain the
political turmoils and the West's aloofness. There was economic

depression and people lost faith in their leaders. A vast land with
plenty of natural reserves went untapped and wasted with no plans and
support from the Global powers.

If US could have matured from its Anti-Communist infancy, it could have

taken a moral responsibility to reconstruct Russia, just like
Perestroika , Gorbachev's vision of reforms for Russia. That made sense
for US to attract contracts and funding for its domestic firms for the

vast untapped Russian provinces. In return, Russia could have been the
biggest collaborator for the US oil needs. There would have been a
symbiotic growth for both the economies, with an entry into the Russian
culture. So much oil would have been saved from burning in the Gulf.

Leave alone the vicinity of US and Russia on the globe, further
simplifying the movement of Oil across Alaska and the Pacific.

And US would have won the trust of the whole world in its legitmacy of
the International Policeman, the commitment for Global Peace and Growth.

A memorable job experience

My memorable Work Experience



I will never get a festival to celebrate in this job. Holidays seem like a misnomer in this 24-by-7

work profile. We work six days a week only a day off in the week and there are no leaves for

national holidays. It is because we manage a network and services, which are critical for

customers, and they cannot tolerate downtimes. We get compensated with a shift allowance,

which we are told is like a bonus, though it seems like an excuse to justify our petty salaries as

engineers.

I returned from engineering studies in June of 2000 and start to get restless about getting a

relevant job. I am nervous with the technical interviews as I have no experience and no idea

what they expect from fresh graduates. I took a Cisco certification, to learn how do they run

networks over the internet. Co-incidentally and surprisingly, as soon as I pass my exam, I get a

call for the interview. I go excitedly, with some nervousness, doing whatever research I can

about this newly launched firm in India.

My interviewer is the General Manager of the Technical operations, who looks strict and

increases my anxiety with his stern appearance. He grills me on engineering basics, rejects all

my answers further enveloping me into a circle of doubt on my knowledge level, and finally

forwards me to his subordinate for another round of interview. That turns out to be a piece of

cake as he sounds more considerate to my being a novice. I get selected and am asked to start

work the next day.

We are asked to start learning as we handle technical problems, making me realise there would

be no induction training. The supervisor briefs us over shift rotation in our working hours to

prepare us for the weekly juggle. We will work in rotations of mornings, evenings and nights

with a day off after six days. Morover, at times of catastrophies, engineers can be contacted at

any hour of the day and might even be asked to return to office.

Our workplace is spread one level below the ground, isolating us from the turmoils going on

outside, transmitting us in between a jungle of servers, wires and technology. We start the day

with chaos and end it with a never ending commotion. We have to keep learning, do repetitive

tasks, keep monitoring to ensure we are never offline. You also need to realise, its a team work

and how well you go with your colleagues, will make or break your day.

We service dial up internet access, as well as leased lines for corporate customers. We need to

administer unix servers, routers, switches and all internetworking gear. We run network pipes

cris crossing the city from all telephone exchanges, letting users dial a phone number to ring one

of our bank of modems at our data centre and get internet access. Those who want more

bandwidth, run dedicated leased lines to our center, and we manage, control and monitor them.

On technical problems, we also have to make visits to customer sites, to troubleshoot network

problems. Gradually, we also start to cater wireless bridges and access points, as a cost effective

option, for distantly located offices.

An essay i wrote describing a family photo

Its a hot Sunday morning and my father is full of energy and vigor for his precious
holiday; the day he can relax with his family and immerse himself into the world politics.
This picture expresses his warmth, his love and affection for me and my sister, his proud
possessions. He has just finished with his favorite morning passion, shaving , upon which he spends
almost two hours on holidays. He is forced to restrict himself to half an hour on weekdays due to
office rush. He has an inexpensive pair of spectacles since he keeps breaking them, and thoughtfully
decided on having multiple cheap ones, rather than one expensive. His jaw bone below the chin shows
an indentation, distinctly visible on his face. As I recall from a description from him, it was a
childhood accident when he fell from a wall during renovation work at the home. Kids are used to
having fun and carelessness creeps in the form of unexpected accidents. He had to go for an
emergency surgery which resulted in the loss of the bone below the chin. He also got an impact on his
eye weakening his far-sight and restricting him to glasses at an early age. It caused him terrible pain in
intaking food for a long time due to the unsatisfactory nature of the surgery in the poor post-
independence era in rural India. He could not speak much and eat enough resulting in a low body
weight and inadequate strength for sports. He confined most of his time to books and extensive reading
to pursue his academic vision. He later excelled in science and became the first student in the whole
district to acquire a Doctoral degree in Physics.
On his right arm is my sister, naughty as she looks with those mischievous eyes, and fond of
that torn dilapidated old stole of our mother, which she delightfully adorns despite our mother's
countless urges to discard. On my father's left arm is me, dried eyes of tears, after being teased and
beaten by my sister. She overpowers me for being younger and she teases me for being so dark
compared to her white complexion. To avoid any further contemplation, our father has to break in to
settle the perennial dispute. Mom is busy preparing the morning breakfast, or rather brunch and does
not like to be bothered with us. The picture is missing our elder sister, who due to her age has become
serious and composed. This photograph also exhibits the changing times when the younger ones grab
the attention what the elder enjoyed individually, for being the single point of affection and center of
attraction. She starts missing the child in her due to the obvious responsibility of being the eldest and
tries to enjoy the atmosphere en wrapped around us.
My dad settles the dispute and also manages to reunite us, for another round of teasing and
quarrel. He prepares the dining area for the brunch while mom starts to serve tea.

Guru Nanak and Sikhism

I got some interest and read about the life of Guru Nanak and the other Sikh Gurus. I learnt a lot about the Sikh sacrifices and stories of their courage. It was heart rendering to read about the Guru Tegh Bahadur and his disciples Bhai Mati Das and others who were brutally tortured in Delhi, Chandni Chowk by orders of Mughal emperor Aurnagzeb just because they refused to convert to Islam. Shri Guru Tegh Bahadur was approached by Kashmiri Hindus to save them from the wrath of Aurangzeb who was forcing conversion to Islam or death. To protect them, the Guru asked the emperor to first convert him before asking the Hindus to be converted. Aurangzeb gave the Guru two options, either convert to Islam or show a miracle like a prophet or face death. The Guru refused the first two options saying every human being must have the freedom to practice the faith and religion of his choice and the Islamic way of living is not the only way to reach God. Neither did he accept to perform miracles as they are a way of disobeying Nature's law of natural occurances. He chose to die instead as he had the faith that he is one with the Almighty and losing his body will not affect him. On the Guru's statement, his Disciples, Bhai Mati Das and others also declared that they will prefer dying than changing their religion. On these statements, Aurangzeb had them brutally killed. Bhai Mati Das was sawed in half from head to waist. Another was fried in boiling oil. Guru Tegh Bahadur was beheaded.
And all this Aurangzeb ordered only on his personal tyrannical beliefs of Islam which were no where found in the religion.
The brutalities from the Muslim emperors, resulted in the Gurus forming the Khalsa to fight and defend their community.
Then I read about the 1975 emergency and the ordering by Indira Gandhi to attack the Golden Temple to arrest Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale, many were killed by that shootout. It resulted in the assassination of Indira Gandhi by two Sikh bodyguards. That was even more heart rendering that it resulted in the riots and attack on Sikh families through North India mainly in Delhi and Punjab on the orders of the Congress Party. 25000 Sikhs were killed in Delhi alone and I recall I was 6 yrs old in 1984 when our neighbors house was torched and attacked by Hindu mob, mostly government school students paid and aggravated by Congress party members. I saw a documentary on the Sikh genocide of 1984 on video.google.com which depicted how brutal the massacre was, how everyone ignored the whole process, that it was planned and even the Police was deliberately not taking any actions to prevent it. The documentary also showed the widows of the Sikhs killed in that massacre now running small sewing institutions to support themselves. Their life is destroyed with no purpose left and no one to care for them. I understand that is the reason for the alienation of the Sikh community from the Indian soil when they are settling in Canada and England and asking for a Khalistan. The ironical part is the ministers responsible for executing the genocide operation have been reelected in Delhi ( Sajjan Kumar, J.D.Tytler and Kamal Nath) and no criminal action has been taken against them.
The ideals of the Sikh religion are fabulous and must be taken as a higher form of the Hindu religion with its religious superstitions removed just like Buddhism. Still there is so many differences in the Hindu and the Sikh religion.
The same should be said about Islam, that it has been blackened by the brutalities of tyrannical rulers, and the Sufism from Islam has almost vanished.

my confusions

It has been long going in my mind, that I have not been able to sort out my purpose of studies. The time I waited for eagerly for years to go for a Masters degree, came in 2004 when I joined USC. There were so many aspirations, thoughts, excitement and enthusiasm to learn and get a job. It all came to a disaster when I struggled with maths. There was so much interest to learn DSP. It all came down bad when I could not sort out my study method. I could not memorise stuff, could not retain understanding. I kept changing my ways to learn, but did not stick to one. I admit I did not resort to hardwork of solving problems which was one of the main reasons of not able to write exams. After the grades, I was disappointed and decided not to go further in DSP. I resorted to relating it to what I know industrially. But I did not have control over my subjects. I always wanted to take an OS class, but foolishly enough I could not do the projects in C++. I just lost the whole purpose of taking that class. Same thing happened with Multimedia class. It was very interesting, but I could not take control of it. Projects, I did with help of friends, exams I struggled with. It again defeated the purpose to an extent. But in a sense I learnt stuff and had exposure to so many technologies. Same thing happened with EE522. Its an A class, no work to do other than experiments, and a paper presentation, there also I goofed up. Professor was understanding, maybe he was disappointed but he gave me a B, most of the guys got an A. Again, I should have taken advantage of the class to get grades like others. At this stage I must have realised, this place is not meant for testing, take courses only when you are confident you can manage them especially when you know grades do affect your GPA. But even after an internship which was a boon to me, I still took heavy courses. I resorted to this reasoning, that since I cannot take Communications track ( random and other courses) I have to definitely take the computer networks track. I thought I must take CS551 to learn network programming and also had to take ee550. I was aware of my performance in cs402 where I did not work on the projects, still I took the chance of taking 551. It again turned out to be defeat of purpose if I did not do the project by myself. I had to take help from Paresh to a significant extent. I submitted late, was not able to study effectively for papers, and got poor grades. A disaster was ee550, when I just could not tackle the homeworks. It should have made me realise in the beginning that if probability was not my cup of tea in 1st sem, I must not take the same course again. After three semesters at USC, I still cannot say I was able to take control of even a single course. My diversion from DSP to networks track, again questions me if I cannot still be comfortable on software projects. The same fears which were there in my mind at the beginning are questioning me again. I was running away from Maths, but did it solve my purpose?
It looks good on my resume that I have taken very interesting courses at USC, but can I say I know all that stuff, No! I have lost self respect among friends. My GPA is bad and I am at a situation, where I may have to discontinue the MS program. More of all, I am taking extra courses to pass out. Who pays for all that money, my sister, father. Did education really help me? Was I sincere and honest? No, definitely not.
The same question comes back to me, you did not take use of the golden opportunity given to you.
At this stage, I am still perplexed, I always have this problem in taking decisions. I still cannot look confidentally at joining the industry, and still look foolish at academics. I feel guilty of making a fool of myself. On a positive side, I have learnt lot of useful stuff, and am better prepared to face my career ahead. But on principles of sincerity, hard work and truth, I am a failure. If I cannot do a tough assignment why take the course. If I want to accept a challenge, why not make efforts to complete it.
There are thousands who are deprived of such a chance to learn, grow and utilise an opportunity. I wonder, why am I not afraid of my situation at present. When it comes to speaking, I can impress anyone.
Why not then I also demonstrate my work. Why not be fair and honest with your work.